The perpetrator was a beautifully crafted sand clock which was a very uncomfortable reminder of time running out.
On a lazy rainy afternoon, with dark clouds hanging over the window, I lazily twisted and stretched myself on the bed, setting aside the book, to fall into a long and blissful sleep.
Just then, my eyes caught sight of that clock, and in a fleeting moment all the sleep vanished and my eyes nearly popped out and my mouth fell open when I saw a figure waving to me from inside the clock. I shot out of the bed and peered closer into the ornate bottom half of the clock. There was a miniature of me inside that clock! I was beyond myself to see myself trapped!
The miniature me was enjoying the feeling of soft sand around her and was dancing about the place making her look like a gleeful princess who had just discovered a beautiful glass palace with sand trickling down slowly which looked like someone was showering blessings on her. But little did she seem to know that soon she was going to be inundated with sand.
I was shaking wildly as minutes went by. All I had to do was break the clock and free myself. But invisible binds bound me, throwing me into inaction. But my thoughts raced rapidly feverishly thinking “how can I free myself”??!! I was focusing fixedly at clock as if staring would stop the sand trickling down thus stopping time from running ….
Mean while, inside the clock, I got bored dancing around as the sand was getting into my dress and found breathing getting more difficult by the minute. I wanted to come out of the very pretty palace, which looked like an inverted champagne glass.
I began wading through the sand to find an exit. After a quick tour around to find a way out, the reality struck me that I was trapped! The methodical search now became more frantic and was madly running around the place, tripping over the sand all the time, groping for any tiny crevice which would get me out of this place.
Suddenly, I caught the glance of two big eyes peering down at me who looked and felt as helpless as me! I tried to catch her attention flailing my arms wildly shouting, screaming for help. But my voice was muffled and sand filled my lungs! I spat out the sand in disgust. Tears were brimming in my eyes. Fear grasped me. My only aide was those pair of eyes constantly looking at me! M’aide!!!......... M’aide!!!
I was jolted out of the strong inertia that bound me and grabbed the clock smashing it against the wall. Shards of glass flew in all directions with fine sand spilling over me! I searched for myself in the mess that time had wrecked on me. But fine sand slipped out of my hand, softly whispering to me “you were too late!”
I hung my head in remorse…. mourned for the lost me …This was not the first time time devoured me! If only I could beat time!
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5 comments:
thanks critic!..really appreciate you reading it! and lettin me know!keep visiting and leave yor suggestion!
A nice concept. A literal translation of the "man tried to kill time, but time quietly killed him" concept, it was well done.
But.
I have considered leaving my comment on this particular post even earlier, and gave it up becoz i felt it would be too patronizing.At the same time, not writing it would be dishonest. So here goes, my analysis of your post. Intentions, as usual, are to help you create more beautiful writings.
Stephen King, in his book, "On writing", says that the road to hell is paved with adverbs. Avoid them when you can.
Same applies for adjectives, which must be used only when essential.
For example, your passage,
"On a LAZY RAINY afternoon, with DARK clouds hanging over the window, I LAZILY twisted and stretched myself on the bed, setting aside the book, to fall into a LONG and BLISSFUL sleep"
too many descriptions, dont you think?
Remember that simple is beautiful, and what can be achieved with lesser explanations, should be kept that way. Stephen king also says, that if you have to look up a thesarus or dictionary to find a word, then thats not the right word to use!
Your use of the word : inundated. That word is used only in context with water. Not sand.
I was in two minds if I should write you this comment, but then felt you would understand that I gave your writing a lot of attention, and mean the best.
Happy writing!
:)
Honestly!, I'm flattered that you took time to read my writing! Thank you :) Do keep visiting. Its quite an encouragement.
Well about your comments.To tell you the truth, I m greatly influenced by Ayn Rand's writing, which I find is very beautifully written. But yes, descriptive of course.
Don't you think adding Adverbs and adjectives makes a sentence more beautiful?
Don't they give an insight into the mind of the protagonist.
Eg: LAZILY twisted,lays an emphasis on the boredom and state of inertia of the mind.
But yes, I did use too many of them in one sentence ;)
And I wanted to ask you about the usage of words like inundated...agreed its only for water..but..let take the word DROWNED, when you say
Drowned in sorrow, wont that too be technically wrong? But we use it frequently.
Your opinion....
Drowned in sorrow is metaphorical.
But in your case the word "inundate" wasn't being used metaphorically, rather just to state what it means - to be flooded, with sand.
I think "inundated" can still work metaphorically, as in "inundated with letters of protest". However, it primarily means over flooding, like the water inundation problem our chennai experiences even after minor rains... Using it with sand, seems a little pretentious. I would suggest, go for a simpler word.
I have read most of Ayn Rand's books, and agree that no writer is without sin in this matter.We all have our affectations. End of the day, good writing is all about making good choices when it comes to picking your words.
And about giving insight into the mind of your protagonist, the art is writing such that, when you use a simple way of describing things, the readers understand if it is meant - happily or sadly, fast or slowly.
You don't have to specifically state it. Quoting King, he says this about using additional adjectives, "Your man may be floundering in the swamp, and by all means throw him a rope if he is...but there's no need to knock him unconscious with ninety feet of steel cable".
to understand better, check the following examples:
"Put it down!" she shouted.
"Give it back", he pleaded.
"Don't be such a fool Jekyll," Utterson said.
Now look at these dubious revisions,
"Put it down!" she shouted menacingly.
"Give it back", he pleaded abjectly.
"Don't be such a fool Jekyll," Utterson said contemptuously.
The last three or not only weaker, but cliche'd and actively ludicrous.
Other writers try to get around the no-adverb rule, by using powerful verbs packed with steroids.
"Put it down!" she grated.
"Never stop kissing me!" she gasped.
"Damn you!" Bill jerked out.
Please don't do these things.
Please.
:D
Oh wow!..you drove the nail straight into my cerebrum!
Man!..you stopped me from creating further melodrama!
I'm so hooked to using adverbs and adjectives..guess i have to give it a neat kick now.
Will keep these pointers in mind.
:)
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